Monday, April 01, 2013

playlist: all my days


note: it's been awhile. either for posts or playlists. i've been doing a lot of thinking. and so while less frequent, my thoughts have been a little more deep. there's not much to be said, just experienced. so these words are a meager attempt to import some of what i've been pondering. and the playlist this time is short. but i think it's on something that runs that deep. and it's something we all know...

we live our journeys in accordance with certain milestones. milestones that, while we certainly don't know them and thus by no means have by any right to expect them, we seem to assume as given and as certain as the coming of the sun in the morning and the arrival of the stars at night. milestones that we take for granted with as little thought to their existence as we give to our own. like the miracle of our breathing through the passage between our birth and death.

school. a job. a car. a house. things. and things, as we're often told and sometimes learn and rarely understand, are just things. devoid of meaning other than what we place in them and empty of life outside of what we imagine for them. and so we are able to accept the realization that they are impermanent and follow the dictum to let them go.  

family. friends. souls. souls are harder to let go. because we distinguish life from the lifeless and hence define life as something more than lifeless, making souls more than things, with meaning beyond what we can comprehend and existence in excess of what we can dream. even though the truth--even as we deny it but invariably discover it, however as much as we want to or not--is that they are all the same: impermanent. transient. as the moments we live in keeping with our each breath.

love. a love. the life of all life. the truth of all truth. the mystery in the riddle in the enigma in the unknown in the eternity that lies at the core of every creation conceived by a creator of the cosmos that lies beyond every universe. this we cling to. that which can only be known with more than one but yet it is the only one that continues. because it has always been and will always be, even in the void in the face of the abyss, and so comforts us before the visage we are never allowed to know and from whose gaze we are not ever allowed to return.

but this, too
even this
is
not
meant. to. be.
as it can only be known with more than one
a very specific, a very special one 
and so requires more than the simple arithmetic addition of numbers
but calls instead for the improbably occurrence of probability
as chance
as uncertain
as incredible
as incomprehensible
as our birth in the face of death
as an awakening with creation in the eternity of silence
as the stars situated in the midst of night
so
even this
is not assured
even this
is not a milestone
even this
if some perchance encounter another and find
it
then they are blessed
but
for the rest of us

our journeys are as they were before. and as they have always have been and will always be. even in the void in the face of the abyss.

before the visage we are never allowed to know and from whose gaze we are not ever allowed to return.

"well i have been searching all of my days
many a road, you know
i’ve been walking on
all of my days
and i’ve been trying to find
what’s been in my mind
as the days keep turning into night 

well i have been quietly standing in the shade

all of my days
watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
all of this rain
and i’ve been trying to find what’s been in my mind
as the days keep turning into night

well many a night i found myself with no friends standing near

all of my days
i cried aloud
i shook my hands
what am i doing here?
all of these days
for i look around me
and my eyes confound me
and it’s just too bright
as the days keep turning into night

now i see clearly

it’s you i’m looking for
all of my days
so i’ll smile
i know i’ll feel this loneliness no more
all of my days
for i look around me
and it seems you found me
and it’s coming into sight
as the days keep turning into night
as the days keep turning into night
and even breathing feels all right
yes, even breathing feels all right
now even breathing feels all right
yes even breathing feels all right"
--alexi murdoch, all my days