back on the wagon

ok.

i'm back on the wagon.

actually, i've been on the wagon.

i finally bit down and sucked it up and got back on 2 weeks ago. it all started with the 10k race (Santa Monica Classic) back on May 6. i figured i'd just go ahead and keep it up. no point in letting good exercise go to waste--if you're going to go out and sweat and suffer and stumble and stagger for an hour on a perfectly peaceful and godly serene Sunday morning, then you might as well just make it worthwhile and take the conditioning gain as the starting point to get back up the mountain of fitness you know you're going to have to go up again sooner or later...and it might as well be sooner rather than later (because later means it's going to hurt just that much more).

seriously, though. i'd had enough of a break.

i kind of alluded to this in my last post: recovery: the post-Ironman blues

the obsessive-compulsive desire to go workout just wasn't going away. in fact, it was getting worse. waking up in the mornings was waking up to the constant thought of "oh geez, what was on the training schedule today?" i was waking up before my 5am alarm and jumping in the car to get to school so i could make it to the gym just as it opened, even though i had absolutely nothing on the training plan to do. i basically just stood around in the gym, flailed around in the water, pedaled aimlessly on the stationary bike, sauntered lazily along the track...and then promptly launched into anxiety attacks about all the fitness i was losing and all the hours i was wasting and all the calories i was accumulating and all the work i was facing and all the bills i was paying and all the things i needed to be doing and everything and anything and something and nothing.

yup. your basic training-deprivation-induced existentialist crisis. yikes!

compounding it was that the cravings i'd been having for everything that i'd previously been denying myself (you know, the good stuff: ice cream, cake, pies, cheeseburgers, hamburgers, pizza, steak, BBQ, etc. etc. etc.--the stuff that you look at and instantly feel the surge of arterial slag, endocrinal decay, and cardiovascular distintegration) was complete satiated (yes, you heard that right: completely satiated) with just daily single servings in the course 1 (yes, you read that right: one) week. i just didn't want to eat it anymore (yes, that is right, it's not a type: i. did. not. want. to. eat. it. anymore). i mean, you go out and satisfy the craving with a massive gorging and consumption fest of ridiculous boorishness and utter depravity, but then about 24 hours later you're wallowing in a sudden onrush of intestinal pain, digestive distention, full body bloating, sensory shut-down, internal systemic chaos, and overwhelming, overpowering, overthrowing, omnipotent, infinite guilt.

yeah. nagging persistent headache-inducing subconscious afflictions of conscience. ugh!

the turning point was when i looked in the mirror...and the mirror does not lie. you can see things in the mirror that you don't want to see. the muffin-top love handles starting to pile up on the hips (especially on the backside, where you find it just a little to easy to not to want to see); the flabby underarms jiggling down the armpit (just so pretty); the chipmunk cheeks ballooning down the gullet (so a circle is more symmetric than an oval, huh?); the tire gathering around the midsection (making the pants fit just so snug, baby!); the stretchmarks growing across your butt (mama's little secret...she sure did raise a cutie!). things that just tell you how far you've fallen back, and just how far you're going to have to go to get to moving forward.

uh huh. body-centric image-focused superficial waves of insecurities. oof!

*sigh*

so seriously, i'd had enough of the break.

and after that 10k (unbelieveably painful, by the way), i figured enough was enough, and decided to get my fat, lazy, insecure, conscience-ridden, existentialist-crisis butt back into the gym and back onto nutrition and back under a training plan and back around a fitness goal and back back back on the wagon.

sort of.

i haven't gotten back to 2-a-day workouts. 1x per day is where i'm at now. i haven't gotten back to 3 mile swims, just 1500 yards is what i'm doing today. i haven't gotten back to 6-8 hour bike rides, just 60 minutes on the stationary bike is enough for me. i haven't gotten back to 2-3 hour runs. 1 is plenty right now.

but i'm getting there.

besides, i'm doing a whole load of surfing, so that counts for some exercise right?...right?

ok, maybe not. but whatever.

i'm back on the wagon.

ok!