Saturday, February 14, 2009

playlist: (anti) valentine 2009

i don't want to hear about your valentine's.

i really don't.

i don't want to hear about how happy you are, how great things are, how special love is, how wonderful life is, how you're celebrating this day, how you're marking this day, how you're remembering this day.

i really don't.

not because i'm bitter, not because i'm jealous, not because i'm lonely. not even because i'm mr. bad attitude this morning. but because i just don't want to think about what this day means right now.

i really don't.

because i know what it means.

it means all the relationships that have come before. all the memories of what happened. all the wreckage they left behind...and the carnage it inflicted.

the hurt then. the hurt now. the hurt that you know runs far deeper than the physical, beyond even the emotional, farther than even the spiritual. so far that you know it be one of those truths from which not even the soul can hope to hide. the hurt that lasts a lifetime, and then even to forever. the hurt that changed you.

and that you carry with you every day.

even though you won't, don't, can't want to.

you carry it with you.

every day.

i really don't want to hear about valentine's. yours, mine, or anyone else's.

i really don't.

all i really want to do right now is to just be alone.

all i really want to do right now is to just hide from this day, and try to forget everything about it--and, more importantly, all the memories it brings.

all i really want to do right now is to just go for the longest, most excruciating, most painful, most agonizing workout possible, with the hope that maybe the physical torture will purge the greater suffering of emotions and the greater agonies of the soul remembered with so much sorrow in my mind.

and then i want to find some music that manifests what i feel and echoes what i think and reflects what i dream, so that i can find--if even only for a few brief moments of melody--solace in the comfort of hearing other voices just like mine:

voices all singing the same song, with the same stories, with the same memories, of anguish, heartache, and regret.

voices that let me know i am one of many in a crowd that knows just what love really means.

voices that let me know that i am not alone.

god, i hate valentine's day.

james blunt: same mistake

james blunt: goodbye my lover

amber pacific: fall back into my life

jack's mannequin: mixed tape

jack's mannequin: dark blue

jack's mannequin: bruised

every avenue: where were you

every avenue: think of you later

we the kings: secret valentine

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