burnout

i think i've got a case of burnout.

since i pulled out of IM St George, my training and diet have pretty much fallen off a cliff. and to make it worse, i'm finding it hard to muster the motivation to respond, or for that matter, even care.

i can point to a combination of causes, the sum of which has probably served to create this state. there's been the training for IM itself (which regardless of what anyone may think, does involve an intense amount of mental energy in commitment and attention). the past few weeks (and actually, the past few months, effectively covering the peak of my training for IM St George) have been pretty crushing. i've been overwhelmed by work (believe it or not, a professor, with 5 classes involving more than 800 students and no TAs). i've been dealing with a stalker (apparently 1 of those students is a stalker, and not the "i love you" kind, but the "i hate you and you need to die" kind). i was unpleasantly surprised by a $6,000 tax bill (apparently my paychecks haven't been withholding as much as i thought they were). and of course, i got dumped by the person i was romantically involved with (and this, my friends, was probably the worst...isn't it funny how girls always hurt you when you need them most? you can deal with almost anything so long as you have the support of love, but once that love leaves you, it initiates a cascade of disintegration that is just very, very difficult to stop).

none of this really affected me physically or mentally--courtesy of all the past training i've done (athletically and academically) i think i'm fit enough either way to deal with these things. but i think they've worn on me, to the extent that emotionally i just feel drained. i can still do what i need to do in terms of work and family, but right now i kind of feel like i'm just going through the motions. my fire feels like it's been snuffed out.

i know i need a break, and some down time to get my spirits back together. unfortunately, i don't think that's going to happen. there's just too much to do and there's just too much to think about for me to disengage.

for a time, i thought about sticking with IM St George, reasoning that it'd give me something to focus and that the training and racing would give me a way to deal with (think about, escape, vent, etc.) all the things that have been going on. and as one of you commented on a previous post here, it would show this girl that she didn't take this part of my life away from me.

but then this option became moot, because my brother decided to get married on race day. considering how important this should be relative to other things (like race day), it means that even if i wanted to, i can't do IM St George. how lovely. what can you do?

so now i'm stuck. burned out. unmotivated. and finding it hard to care.

hopefully i can get things back together here soon.

but dude, it's just hard.

i could really use something good happening right about now.