Tuesday, April 27, 2010


note: my life right now is about a whole lot of "supposed-to-bes"--a lot of things that i wish were otherwise. and i think a lot of it has come to head with my thinking that i'm supposed to be doing Ironman St. George this May 1 with all of my friends, but for a number of reasons i can't control i cannot do it. it's just one supposed-to-be out of many, but it's really served as a catalyst to my brooding as of late, and really crystallized my thoughts about all the supposed-to-bes in my life. but rather than write about all of them individually in litany, i figured it would be better to write about them in the abstract, since 1) i figure a litany would just be excessive, indulgent, and downright annoying as anything whiny invariably is most likely to be, and 2) i figure all of you have "supposed-to-bes" in your life, and so could better sympathize and empathize with something you can relate to your own feelings about the things you wish could or would or should have been. so here's to all our supposed-to-bes...all together now:

well, i'm wishing.

wishing on things i know i shouldn't be wishing on. wishing for things that can't be. an alternative reality that did not and has not and will not materialize.

you know how things like this go. that weird feeling that things should have been different, but for some ineffable, inexplicable, indescribable reason or set of reasons manifested themselves into something far far far removed from what any sense or reason would have predicted.

and as much as we probably don't really know what such a should-have-been really was (since who knows if it really was something that was meant to be, and hence a reality that got subverted, or if it was just us dreaming, and hence just a figment of our imagination that never had a chance of reality in the first place), there's still that strange sense of...unrequited. unrequited. unfulfilled. unlived.

which is what i guess that feeling really is. unlived. something, a part of us, that could have had life, would have had life, should have had life but didn't.

coulda. woulda. shoulda.

and i guess the reason it's such a problem is the consequences it brings. because as much as our lives and the act of living our lives is a journey adventure race of experience exploration expansion into the mystery secrecy sanctity of infinite eternity the divine that lies in the depths of the cosmos and all creation, our lives and the act of living our lives are also about the lessons and truths related to them, because they are the clues the keys the guides to where and when and how and why and what it is that we are meant to find as make our way to the reaches of forever that lies beyond all that we can ever possibly hope to know.

and any part of life unlived, any act of living that did not receive living, is another lesson another truth not gained, another clue another key another guide lost.

and if enough of them are lost, then so are we.

which is why i find myself wishing.

wishing for things to be.


Trihardist said...

The Unlived.


Bob Almighty said...

As much as you may be beating yourself up about not racing St. George I'll say it was the right call. A Pro I know went to pre ride the course this week I'll leave a link to his site.


I will say this based off his comments if your heart and mind weren't into it this race would have been a sufferfest.

Likewise as with everything in life there is some reason behind what we do and cannot do.