jonathan in the distance

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

wishing

note: my life right now is about a whole lot of "supposed-to-bes"--a lot of things that i wish were otherwise. and i think a lot of it has come to head with my thinking that i'm supposed to be doing Ironman St. George this May 1 with all of my friends, but for a number of reasons i can't control i cannot do it. it's just one supposed-to-be out of many, but it's really served as a catalyst to my brooding as of late, and really crystallized my thoughts about all the supposed-to-bes in my life. but rather than write about all of them individually in litany, i figured it would be better to write about them in the abstract, since 1) i figure a litany would just be excessive, indulgent, and downright annoying as anything whiny invariably is most likely to be, and 2) i figure all of you have "supposed-to-bes" in your life, and so could better sympathize and empathize with something you can relate to your own feelings about the things you wish could or would or should have been. so here's to all our supposed-to-bes...all together now:

well, i'm wishing.

wishing on things i know i shouldn't be wishing on. wishing for things that can't be. an alternative reality that did not and has not and will not materialize.

you know how things like this go. that weird feeling that things should have been different, but for some ineffable, inexplicable, indescribable reason or set of reasons manifested themselves into something far far far removed from what any sense or reason would have predicted.

and as much as we probably don't really know what such a should-have-been really was (since who knows if it really was something that was meant to be, and hence a reality that got subverted, or if it was just us dreaming, and hence just a figment of our imagination that never had a chance of reality in the first place), there's still that strange sense of...unrequited. unrequited. unfulfilled. unlived.

which is what i guess that feeling really is. unlived. something, a part of us, that could have had life, would have had life, should have had life but didn't.

coulda. woulda. shoulda.

and i guess the reason it's such a problem is the consequences it brings. because as much as our lives and the act of living our lives is a journey adventure race of experience exploration expansion into the mystery secrecy sanctity of infinite eternity the divine that lies in the depths of the cosmos and all creation, our lives and the act of living our lives are also about the lessons and truths related to them, because they are the clues the keys the guides to where and when and how and why and what it is that we are meant to find as make our way to the reaches of forever that lies beyond all that we can ever possibly hope to know.

and any part of life unlived, any act of living that did not receive living, is another lesson another truth not gained, another clue another key another guide lost.

and if enough of them are lost, then so are we.

which is why i find myself wishing.

wishing for things to be.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

sustainable green environmental eco-friendly racing

continuing on the theme of Earth Day (which again, is this Thursday, April 22--reference: Earth Day 2010), i wanted to make a brief comment on something we as athletes can do regarding the environment. i was prompted by an article from race organizer Jeff Henderson on the Slowtwitch forum recently:

http://www.slowtwitch.com/RD_Aids/Henderson_s_2010_RD_diary/On_Liveability_1289.html

the article is 1 of a series relating to race organizing, written by a race director and offering insights on races from his unique point of view. this particular article targets an underlying theme that he's been addressing in varying degree throughout the series: the environmental impact of sporting events, particularly public races (i.e., races which allow participation in addition to observation by the public, like triathlons, marathons, etc.).

here, he notes that the sustainability of a sporting event is partially a function of the sustainability of its venue, which means that it is in turn partially a function of the sustainability of the environment providing that venue. as a result, Henderson suggests that there is a relationship between sports races and the environment just as much as there is a relationship between larger human society and the environment, making eco-friendly racing a useful component of any drive towards more sustainable living practices.

Henderson is not alone, but reflects a growing trend. you can check out the following sample--including 2 documents outlining policies for more environmentally-conscious races:

i agree with this view, since i think the logic is sound and the goal is laudable. but i think it's important to note that this is only part of the green sports equation.

borrowing economic concepts, race organizers are essentially producers and sellers of a product--races, meaning that they essentially are the supply side of the market for that product. economics, however, always notes that a market involves both sellers and buyers, which suggests that there is a demand side of the market for races. as a result, any effort to green or make eco-friendly the market requires that initiatives for environmentally-sensitive practices apply to both sellers and buyers. that is, it is not enough that race organizers provide sustainable races, but that competitors then choose to participate in sustainable races.

my worry is that there is a lot of effort underway for races to become more green, but that all those efforts will be for naught if the public does not support them. a public that is apathetic to green races won't generate the revenues necessary for those races to be profitable. this will discourage race organizers from promoting or operating these kinds of races, thus endangering the larger efforts to mitigate our environmental impact and thereby improve our quality of life.

in which case, it's up to athletes as the consumers in the market of eco-friendly races to patronize them. we need to make the effort to find them and compete in them, and thereby encourage more race organizers to adopt sustainable models of racing.

and i don't think that we have to incur too much of a financial penalty to do so. even if eco-friendly races may charge more (and incidentally, i really doubt they do), i think the additional charges represent the cost of having venues with cleaner environments--something i think most competitors find to be a fair exchange, since venues with clean environments make for experiences that are more aesthetically pleasing, more emotionally rewarding, more healthy, more conscientious, and thus more conducive to a positive experience.

if you want to be one of the athletes involved in supporting sustainable races (like me), you can check out Athletes for a Fit Planet, which endeavors to promote and support environmentally conscious athletes and sports. their website is:

http://www.afitplanet.com/

they also have a directory for eco-friendly races, which you can peruse at:

http://www.afitplanet.com/events/index.php?v

for general news, info, and commentary regarding environmentally-conscious sports and athletics, you can also check out the following blogs:

i think it's important to remember that we as individuals can contribute to larger efforts to change our collective (as in our community, our society, our species) quality of life, and in so doing not only make things better for ourselves alone but for everyone together as a whole. it provides not just a material value in terms of aesthetics or health or value, but non-material one as well in terms of mental and emotional and spiritual fulfillment--things which i think are entirely too undervalued in our world, and things which i think serve in some way to drive each of as a competitor in pursuit of our sports: a connection to the more important things in life.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

earth day 2010

well, in the interests of doing something constructive with what little time i have (spare in the mundane sense and ephemeral in the metaphysical), i decided i should post something regarding this year's Earth Day 2010. i'd almost completely forgotten about it, but the recent Earth Hour event jogged my memory enough to check the calendar. since i've made it a point to devote a post (or a few) to Earth Day in years past (reference: Earth Day 2009 and Earth Day 2008), i figured i might as well write for it again here.

Earth Day 2010 falls on April 22, and this year marks the 40th anniversary of the occasion. what started out as a minute grass-roots effort on the part of environmental activists to raise awareness has grown into a global phenomenon marked by governments, corporations, organizations, and citizens all sharing a common concern for the state of the Earth's environment.

superficially, something like Earth Day may not appear to have much to do with sports or athletics. but on deeper reflection, i think most of us would recognize the relationship that sports and sports industries has with the environment. sports events and sports venues, in some form or fashion, involve the use of natural resources. indirectly or directly, we use natural resources for the construction of sports venues, manufacture of sports equipment, assistance in sports training and therapy, and presentation to sports audiences. similarly, we impact the natural world in terms of human activity related to participation in, or appreciation of, sports.

i think any one of us has witnessed all of this first-hand (as simply as observing the mass of trash generated by your local 5k, 10k, or marathon). and i think that each of us has at some point or another wondered just what kinds of consequences were being produced by the environmental impact of our association--whether competitor or fan--in sports.

so for those of you who have shared such thoughts with me, i ask that you mark Earth Day 2010 with me and all the other bloggers out there concerned with the state of our environment. i can offer the following links:

official earthday website: http://www.earthday.org/
the earthday network supporting earthday: http://earthday.net/earthday2010
resource list of links related to earthday: http://earthday.envirolink.org/
the Bloggers Unite page for bloggers acting on behalf of earth day: http://www.bloggersunite.org/event/earth-day-2010

i'm going to do my part for Earth Day 2010. not just because i've done so in the past, but because i figure stuff like this is a good way to get out of a rut--sometimes, the best way to stop being bothered by your own problems is to start thinking about other, larger problems (i.e., stop being about the self and start being selfless, stop being about you and start being about others, stop being about one and start being about all). that, and a significant portion of my research is related to this field, and it only makes sense that i'm part of this now.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

burnout

i think i've got a case of burnout.

since i pulled out of IM St George, my training and diet have pretty much fallen off a cliff. and to make it worse, i'm finding it hard to muster the motivation to respond, or for that matter, even care.

i can point to a combination of causes, the sum of which has probably served to create this state. there's been the training for IM itself (which regardless of what anyone may think, does involve an intense amount of mental energy in commitment and attention). the past few weeks (and actually, the past few months, effectively covering the peak of my training for IM St George) have been pretty crushing. i've been overwhelmed by work (believe it or not, a professor, with 5 classes involving more than 800 students and no TAs). i've been dealing with a stalker (apparently 1 of those students is a stalker, and not the "i love you" kind, but the "i hate you and you need to die" kind). i was unpleasantly surprised by a $6,000 tax bill (apparently my paychecks haven't been withholding as much as i thought they were). and of course, i got dumped by the person i was romantically involved with (and this, my friends, was probably the worst...isn't it funny how girls always hurt you when you need them most? you can deal with almost anything so long as you have the support of love, but once that love leaves you, it initiates a cascade of disintegration that is just very, very difficult to stop).

none of this really affected me physically or mentally--courtesy of all the past training i've done (athletically and academically) i think i'm fit enough either way to deal with these things. but i think they've worn on me, to the extent that emotionally i just feel drained. i can still do what i need to do in terms of work and family, but right now i kind of feel like i'm just going through the motions. my fire feels like it's been snuffed out.

i know i need a break, and some down time to get my spirits back together. unfortunately, i don't think that's going to happen. there's just too much to do and there's just too much to think about for me to disengage.

for a time, i thought about sticking with IM St George, reasoning that it'd give me something to focus and that the training and racing would give me a way to deal with (think about, escape, vent, etc.) all the things that have been going on. and as one of you commented on a previous post here, it would show this girl that she didn't take this part of my life away from me.

but then this option became moot, because my brother decided to get married on race day. considering how important this should be relative to other things (like race day), it means that even if i wanted to, i can't do IM St George. how lovely. what can you do?

so now i'm stuck. burned out. unmotivated. and finding it hard to care.

hopefully i can get things back together here soon.

but dude, it's just hard.

i could really use something good happening right about now.

Monday, March 29, 2010

young and stupid

at its core, growing up is a process of learning about ourselves, the world, and our place in it. so that we can find a dream of the person we want to be, and start making our way towards becoming that person. invariably, this means someone who helps make the world a better place.

only thing is, it's not quite clear how we go about doing so. devoid of experience, bereft of knowledge, lacking in wisdom, we have no points of reference and hence no sense of judgment and thus no clues to understanding just how it is we're supposed to undertake our own growing up.

all we have to guide ourselves is the insights of others who have gone before us. which can be hard, which can be long, and which can be--even worse--uncertain. because growing up is a personal process, meaning that the lessons of others have to be relayed and transposed and adjusted and interpreted through the filters of time and language and culture and perception to make them relevant to us, and unfortunately, while there are truths that may be universal, their manifestation is ultimately very individual. what works for someone sometime somewhere may not work the same way for us.

and so, with the impetuousness and impatience that comes to anyone who feels they have not yet lived, we inevitably abandon the lessons. because we deem them too hard, too long, too uncertain.

instead, we turn to what we deem more easy, more short, more certain: ourselves. to do things our own way. to make our own mistakes. to try our own experiments. and let the process be our own education. because we believe that we can move faster and do more and discover greater on our own. and if anything goes wrong, then we reason that we can always aver responsibility and divert liability and absolve ourselves of all our sins with blithe abandon by simply hiding behind the excuse of just being young and stupid.

in some ways this is fine, because there are some things that can only truly be understood through the depths of personal experience, and experience must be accumulated through time.

in other ways, however, it's a problem, because it tempts us with the fallacy of a free license to do whatever we want whenever we want wherever we want to whoever why ever we want how ever we want.

and that's wrong.

because our lives, while they may be about ourselves, are not just about us. our decisions, our actions, have consequences not just on us but also on the world.

which means our mistakes have consequences on others around us. and so while we may believe that the damage to ourselves in our own youth and stupidity may be subsequently minimal and temporary, it may not be so to others for whom the stakes may be higher--far higher than we in our juvenile state can possibly comprehend.

in which case, our growing up is no longer a journey of development; it's a journey of carnage. it's no longer about improvement, but degradation. it's no longer about progression, but regression. it's no longer about construction, but destruction. not just for ourselves, but for others around us.

and that means we're not making life better; we're making it worse. instead of working to ease the suffering in the world, we're only acting to be the cause of it.

and by hiding behind the fallacy, behind the excuse, behind the lie, we continue it. we never change, we never grow up, we never become the person we were meant to be.

we just stay young and stupid.

growing up is a journey. it's not always easy. it's not always fun. it's not always pleasant. it is hard--at times impossibly so. it is long--at times unbelievably so. and it is most assuredly uncertain--at times incredibly, insanely, incomprehensibly so.

but that's why there can be no fallacies. no excuses. no lies. no shortcuts.

because the journey leads to one basic truth: at some point, you have to stop dreaming of the person you want to be, and you have to start being the person you want to be.

and that person is not about young and stupid and carnage and degradation and regression and destruction in us and others around us. that person is about making life better. that person is about easing the suffering in this world.

that person is about growing up.

and only by this will you find the greater truths that will ultimately make your life worth living--really living: yourself. this world. and your place in it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

earth hour 2010

well, we're coming up on Earth Hour 2010.

it's not really sports-related, but for those of you with a social (environmental) conscience and aspiring for greater things other than yourself this gives an opportunity for selflessness and a global social cause. let's just say it will appeal to the better aspects of your human nature.

on March 27, 2010, from 8:30-9:30 pm the entire planet will turn off all electrical power for 1 hour as a symbol of a collective call to address climate change.

i wrote about it last year:

http://jonathaninthedistance.blogspot.com/2009/03/earth-hour-2009.html

this year, it's grown. originally started as a home-grown movement in Australia, it's gone global, with an expectation of hundreds of millions of people participating, whether individually, in organizations and corporations, or in cities and communities. leadership for the cause has been assumed by the World Wildlife Fund, which has created an official website:

http://www.earthhour.org/Homepage.aspx

they've also made a promotional video, which you can see at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5WYlqD8mR0

participation really appears to have gone mainstream this year. even in a notoriously non-environmentally-friendly place as Southern California, i'm seeing Earth Hour notices on all Wells Fargo ATM screens. so expectations appear high for greater mass involvement this time.

like i said: for those of you with a concern for greater causes other than yourself, this is about as good as any. and it'll help divert your mind from other, more mundane things towards something a little bit better in terms of a social conscience...and that's something positive in a time when something positive is really really really needed most.

so again:
social causes, greater things in life, better aspects of human nature, positive positive positive vibes: hooray.
selfishness, decadent things in life, degraded aspects of human nature, negative negative negative vibes: boooooo.

the choice is yours, kids. only you can decide what you want to be...and only you can act to make your decision real.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

playlist: lost out again

i'm not going to talk about much here, because there's just not that much worth talking about.

i dropped out of Ironman St. George. yeah. i did. race day 6 weeks away.

i'm dropping out for the same reason any man ever drops out of a race he's been training for over the past few months. i just wasn't feeling it. lacking motivation. how so? for the same reason any man ever loses motivation: woman.

yeah, i know, i shouldn't allow someone to have this kind of impact on my life. but if you've ever been in my situation, you know what i'm talking about.

she forced her way into my life and asked that i believe in her. and i did. but then when i needed her the most, when i needed someone who believed in me just as much as i believed in her, she left. once she got what she wanted, she left. she lied all along. she led me on. i could use words like selfish, dishonest, malicious, but right now, they don't really help.

yeah, i know, at least now i know the truth, and can move on. but if you've ever been in my situation, you know how it feels to have something you thought was real turn out to be false.

it hurts. deep. in ways you can't really describe. and it's really hard to move on when you've had your faith taken from you.

so no, no Ironman for now. i guess i'll make it to my brother's wedding a little bit earlier than i thought. and get to remind myself there of what i've lost.

it's a sad day.

see? not much worth talking about. i guess i'll leave some songs for thought. and try to find my way back to life.

jack's mannequin, resolution: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmIhKF1BqCg